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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
[Edited on 7/6/2005 by Ger]
Comments
Another one explained during a debrief that the fuel boost pump circuit breaker popped and wouldn't reset, even though he re-tried it five, or six times. The boost pump is a fairly redundant piece of equipment when the engine is running, and was located in the tank (ie, imersed in fuel). After the first reset attempt, the guy should have realised that every successive attempt was potentially looking for a large BANG amidships. Anyone hear shades of TWA?
But you have to love the maintenance people too.
When a fighter goes out on a training mission, they often carry inert missiles. These are dummies that have a real seeker head, but no warhead, or rocket motor. They are fitted to the rail and a pin is inserted to keep them there. If the missile is live, the pin is removed just before take-off, as it is held on the rail by a magnetic lock.
The knucklhead then goes out and does his thing chasing the bad guy and all going well, achieves a 'lock' on the opposing aircraft and pulls the rigger. Instead of the missile leaping off the rail, it simply goes through that sequence and the aircraft takes a picture. Now if the missile is live, a magnetic lock is all that is holding it on the rail, and this disengages during the firing sequence. The rocket lights and away it goes. Training missiles are inert however, and so once the manetic lock is gone, the pin retains the missile on the rail.
Except when the pin is removed by some dumb gunny who thinks it's part of the job.
Then all the folks that happen to be watching the aircraft land back at base get to see the aircraft touch down, immediately followed by the missile(s) shooting off the rail with the jerk and sliding away down the ashphalt at something around 160 knots.
Quite entertaining.