DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been s earching
for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog
**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you
couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and tra nsforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over
tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds
off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying
to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight,
which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.
Comments
1. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER
2. HAMMER
Having several variations of each us useful. If it cannot be fixed with these tools then you should just leave the damn thing, walk out of the woods, and buy a new one.
I was told that by my best friend when I was 8 or 9 years old. Truly a very wise young man for his age. I witnessed miracles done with a 3lb sledge, a screwdriver and a railroad spike: from fixing a bent rim to straigtening front forks (using railroad tracks as an anvil) nothin else was needed for tools. I think the world has gotten way to complicated
Screws: small rolling objects which camouflage against almost any ground surface. The last one is usually the most difficult to find.
Springs: a usually tiny device which launches into space after removal of a cover plate.
Ladder: A device carried horizontally by one person with two ends extending beyond normal vision, and capable of inflicting damage to walls, doorways, tables and furniture.
Rakes: extremely unstable devices which fall from the vertical and fly up from the horizontal.
Soldering iron: Multi purpose tool which can ignite materials while heating up or cooling down, drips molten liquid unexpectedly, and attracts flies and stinging insects while the user has all three hands engaged.
Sledge Hammer: Tool that:-
fits square pegs into round holes and vice versa
avoids need for measuring device,
transforms before into after,
ensures that object cannot be removed or re-used,
customizes body rear side panels when carried in trunk of car,
good for clearing overhead obstacles like pendant lights, low ceilings and tree branches.
Spin
[Edited on 11/11/2005 by Dr_Spin]
I'm an office man myself. Don't get my hands dirty !!
Though it seems that the most important tool (in aircraft terms) has been forgotten.
The magical 'ragspanner'.
The arc-welder and the angle-grinder.
Taking the turbine off of the ATAR09C5 Afterburning turbojet was great fun. We used a tool that had the serrated pattern of the big nut on the end, but was operated by two hydraulic rams working in opposite directions to obtain turn.
You stuck the thing on and pumped up the pressure to around 15 BAR and then there would be an almighty crack, and the thing came loose. Lots of tension as the pressure built up.
Torqueing it back up used the same tool, but instead of a set torque value, we had to use a vernier depth gauge. The needle sat on a ridge inside the shaft so that as the nut was tightened by the tool, the shaft would stretch. The correct tension was obtained when the shaft had stretched I think around 15 thou.
For some reason, no-one ever stood behind the rams.
Time for a war story:
From time to time, we would be visited by, or went to visit the USAF. Lots of gung-ho stuff with fighter pilots strutting around using their hands to indicate relative positions, blah, blah.
On the ground we made our own fun. This usually involves sneaking around painting Kangaroo Roundels on the visiting aircraft; that sort of thing.
One time we were visited by the Agressors; you know, the guys that are meant to be Russians in type of aircraft, tactics, etc. In those days they had F5 TigerIIs. We were constantly amused by the specialisation techniques employed by the USAF towards maintenance activities which usually involved several complete teams to do something like an engine change. First come the guys who split the fuselage. Then thay leave and the disconnect guys come along, Then they leave and the rollout team arrives, etc.
So one day they have this problem with a cracked liner in an afterburner. After some discussion, and lots of Yankee suspicion, it is decided to turn it over to the RAAF Aircraft Welders. The welders, being consciencious lads, consult the F5 books, and use their existing metallurgical understanding to apply the correct welding technique and repair the thing within the limits specified by the manufacturer. No big deal for anybody competent in their field.
But since the USAF boys have been tut-tutting and vacillating so much, it is decided that humour is also required. So on top of their weld, the boys tack-soldered an openned, and flattenned aluminium beer can with the brand logo face up.
The engine was returned to the Americans, who take one look at it, and proceed to pack it up for shipment back home. Even after it was all explained they wouldn't change their minds.
Happy days.
A. An American Screwdriver
As taught to a budding 12yo carpenter by his teacher Mr Woolridge, many, many years ago.
roo fucker.
They only went two at a time and didn't stay!
[Edited on 17/11/2005 by SuperRoo]